Feb 8, 2017 Tantric Puja Evolution

Five years ago, Kai Karrel and I went on our first of many tours together. This first one brought us to Washington DC, being hosted by the incredible Birgit Sperling Stearns and her wonderful family, including her youngest daughter Sophia Sperling.
It was the first time I got to be in a dakini (supportive role) for Kai’s Goddess Puja that has since become one of my most cherished offerings.
From Birgit’s wonderful home, so filled with love and devotion, to the amazing people who showed up, (some of which I’m dear friends with still today) to really feeling the power behind the ceremony as I got to help Kai hold all of these humans in this deep space of adoration, acceptance of their greatest divinity and most unique humanity.

I cried along with everyone else as they had their tears held, I laughed as they showered eachother with dozens and dozens of rose petals, and as Kai tied the “marriage thread” on me at the end as the demo, I knew I would be a part of bringing these Puja’s to the world for as long as I was alive.

This past September, Kai passed the torch onto me, he does other types of ceremonies now, and will occasionally join me and Peter Petersen or offer it himself, but since September I’ve offered eleven Puja’s all over the world.
And now my dakini is my beautiful partner, Peter, one who holds that space of such deep presence and devotion so well.

And last night, I was back in DC, this time being hosted by the amazing Nick Hamilton and Birgits beautiful daughter is older and more mature and just such a lovely soul. It felt full circle to get to sit in front of her and offer her these devotional elements, witnessing her in her supreme divinity.
Remembering how it all started with Kai and this city, loving and appreciating him, this Puja, this city, and this beautiful young woman, who represented what you could step into when you experience such devotion, adoration and unconditional love at a young age.
Still feeling touched beyond words, in awe really, that I get to offer such a service to the world, that in Peter, I’ve found a partner, someone who equally wants to serve and help others wake up to their unique magnificence.

July 12, New Culture Summer Camp

Summer Camp is already AMAZING!!
Having my boys with me in community, having a community/tribe that is so open, loving, accepting, living life from a deliciously expanded heart, is heaven!!! 
Feeling very blessed, and not even missing phone or internet…..
I will get on once a day, or maybe every 2 days to give you highlights, check in on the rest of the world, but LOVING being in this secluded moment……..

cuddles

The boys have bunk beds….. They have been running around in nature, conversing with the adults, making new friends, cuddling with me, teehee!! The BEST part of Summer Camp so far is all three of us have as much freedom as we want, and yet what our continuous choice IS is one another, sitting together at the dome, touch, (the boys have NEVER been this lovey dovey since they were small) games, cuddles, “What are YOU doing?” Instead of each of us doing our own thing. I think the separation of the past year has brought about the sweetest celebration of just who we are, and that who we are appreciate and love the other. so happy!

May 4, San Diego : Play Party at Lotus Falls

nekkidLast night was one of the most incredible play parties I have ever led or participated in!!
I led the whole opening circle in just some sexy undies and my belly dancing skirt, after the first few mins of feeling less attractive without my boobs covered, I began to feel so free and comfortable and even sexy getting to lead without my top, it was such a good reminder for walking towards and doing the things we fear, as once we get them out of our heads, they tend to shift and become our ally instead of something to be shunned.
But that was just the beginning!
People kept wanting Lawrence and I to put them in the middle, or to find different configurations, positions of “heart fuck” energy. At one point we had us and four others just pouring in and swimming in the energy, moving through soooo much, having whole body orgasms, feeling and loving on eachother in all new ways.
946I had a few favorite pieces, including a profound moment that I am not even sure I have words for…..
Let’s start there because it was sooooo beautiful…
I was sitting at Lawrence’s crown, my pussy next to his beautiful, bald head, that was awesome in and of itself, I am normally at his root, penetrating him, energetically, with my “heart cock” at his root, but here, at his crown, it was so tender, raw, and as we began running energy with the other 4 powerful people, all arranged at different positions, on and around our bodies, I began tuning into what it was like giving birth to my 3 boys, I asked permission of Lawrence and the group if I could use this space and energy to recontexualize what had happened and to “create” the birth experience’s of my deepest longing. They were a yes and what happened next is almost indescribable for me….
getting to recontextualize the birth process, to have the experience energetically that I wished I had when having the boys instead of the fear, pain, and trauma of us almost dying each time, (with Ronan in particular, had he been born 2 mins later we would have both died, my placenta ruptured and he was stuck, almost suffocated) So they were a yes , and the next 20 mins were so profound!!! Feeling what an orgasmic birth could feel like, feeling so held by the women playing with us, and feeling Lawrences joy at “being born” at having such a beautiful beginning in the world, with me, it healed so much that I had been carrying that I didn’t even know, about fear that as much as I love my boys, that in having them, in their very existence, I may die, fear that I had traumatized them, that somehow I had done a bad job bringing them into the earth, last night just reset everything so beautifully, they all held me as I cried and laughed, and shook, and sat in wonder… I am sooo grateful!
Others took a turn recontexualizing things that were holding them back, energetically fucking with our clothes on, but feeling so utterly “naked” with each of them, and each one diving deep letting the energy from all of us and the shared healing change us, up level us all!
519I also got to have such a beautiful connection, desire, every time Lawrence and I teach Energetic Sex and he is my demo model for any of the excercises, we only have a few mins, and our whole beings dive in so fast, so deep, it is a great snap shot for people to feel what is possible, but I have always wanted to know what happens if we just kept going, and last night we did!!
I began energetically penetrating him with my “heart lingam” he was in touch with his energetic pussy “yoni” and as I enetered deeper and deeper and as he totally dropped into receptivity, he began pulling mein deeper and deeper, I have never felt so connected, so able to “release” so much, so able to FEEL all I was feeling, while being connected with another. So saturated in the deepest connection possible, that for that time period I felt as if I was connected to all of existence, that I was connected to the places I had forgotten, that I was so completely held, there was NOTHING to be afraid of or feel separate from again.
It was another profound, profound moment, life changing!!
Later we held space for someone else to let go of a lot of emotion, for others tp feel things they had been afraid to feel, others to feel just how good they were willing to feel in their bodies.
I LOVE the energetic realm, but last night took even my concept of what is possible to all new heights!!!
Feeling so much gratitude, it was truly breath taking, awe inspiring, such a beautiful world!
Thank you!!
and tonight is an encore performance!!
Play party begins at 7:30!!

Mar 19, San Diego

wowowowWOWOWOWOWOW! Am I really going to post THIS? I warn you all ahead of time it will be about sex, and that although open to feedback, I am SO happy and feel so free, and yet I imagine it may not resonate with everyone. I’m ok with that, in sharing it it FEELS more real to me.
SO I stopped at a store to grab some water and cashews for breakfast, on the way to get my h…air done, the clerk was VERY cute, and we both began flirting, along with snacks, it also happened to be a pipe store and we both commented how most of the pipes look like little penis’s, and then he laughed and pulled out one that doubled as a dildo, and we continued flirting for a few minutes, then he introduced himself and reached across to give me a handshake, I offered a hug, so he came around the counter and hugged me, and asked if I was straight? I being the open person I am, talked about how gender makes no difference to me, it’s all in the energy, and how I’m all about open relating, he leaned forward and kissed me, and it was HOT! but he also touched my breast, and all of my childhood trauma came up and I danced away and said I needed to get going to my hairdresser, he invited me to come back after.
I flee-ed…..
Many of you know I was sexually assulted many times growing up, I have always been ultra sensitive to sexual energy, and even with all of my growth it is so easy to slip into “victim” What is he doing to me ” mode. Through most of my sexual trauma, the main thing that stuck is that it felt good, I felt so guilty for the parts I liked, felt bad about my own extreme sexual nature, and felt like I could have stopped it at any time, fuck, 3 of my attackers said they would stop if anything didn’t feel good, and I shamed myself, decided I WaS bad, because at 7, 8 and 10 I did not say, “stop”.
The worst abuse was oral forced on me and if I made any noise or tried to get away, he would cover my nose too, and my breath and voice were literally taken away.
Well after I left the shop, the entire time that Fred is doing my hair, I am thinking of this encounter, feeling all the residual guilt, shame, and ways I have still shrunk my pleasure, still put a stop to most sexual encounters, unless it is in a controlled enviornment (I have been blessed and gone out of my way to create MANY such enviornments, but controlled none the less)
So I turn to Fred as he is washing my hair and tell him what just happened and what I am fantasizing about and he smiles and shares a great story with me about his own life.
I realized there wasn’t really any part of me that was interested in being a victim any more, I was totally turned on, and I wanted to go back and shut the store door, lock it and say, “I get the feeling you want to fuck, am I correct in my assumption” and see what it would be like to initiate back instead of closing down because I felt like something “was happening” to me.
I also had all of my “slut” stories come roaring out of the closet, that how would this be sacred, spiritual, how did it coincide with ALL aspects of me, am I really ok being one who wants to be fucked behind a store counter by a complete stranger, (a gorgeous stranger, who was totally into me, but stranger none the less)
Fred encouraged me to go for it, come check in with him after, I had also texted a lover, who also said “Go for it”
so as I left the hair salon, my heart is pounding, I almost just slip away into my car, but I took one step after another and found myself in front of him and the cash register.
He smiled, I smiled back, and said my line…. he smiled bigger, got the keys and locked the door.
we went around to the back, I set up a chair, had him sit down, while we had the safer sex elevator speech, I just happened to have a few condoms in my purse, I took three out and had him pick which one he wanted, and then traded him spots, LOVED orchastrating exactly how we would do it, and it was the some of the hottest sex I have ever experienced!! I left there feeling like the most powerful woman in the world, he was SO happy
I had reclaimed my body, my pleasure, my voice, really let the old victim piece that has followed me in every aspect of my life slip even further away…
This is my body, my choice, and I joyously say “YES” Hell YES to continuing to find my voice…
In writing it here, it drops even more story that I would ever have to hide it, that you would think less of me if you knew, I am telling you in my most delighted bliss, I am not ashamed, and I am not saying if you have been victimized go do what I just did, what I am hoping in that in sharing my journey, ALL the scary, crazy parts too, that it will give you permission to find that thing or things that will help you be able to lay the victim story down, reclaim your voice, your power, your body, YOU!!
We all have the great honor to shine and BE US, our own unique self 110%
Today, I said yes to something that peeled back 30 years of shame and silence and victimhood and I am so proud, giddy, and excited for what may come.
Thank you for letting me share

Mar 8, Sedona

neilstraussSuch a great night!!! This was our fearless leader Neil Strauss, who brought together our merry band for a beautiful retreat in Sedona.

sacredAs I wander these sacred grounds I am overwhelmed with the gift of this moment, tears streaming down my face, can’t believe this is my life, how happy I am, how generous the universe, my family, friends, and lovers are. I realized I was trying to act cool, but I am literally blown away with the intensity of gratitude and love and awe of the beauty of right now. thank you thank you thank you… waterfallgroupsedona

Feb 20 : R10X ~ Las Vegas

R10xgroup

I know I promised you all a huge post on my realizations of the past week, so here is the attempt, just know that I feel SO expanded and joyous right now it is really extra hard to find words.
Right before I left for Vegas I had a session with Shawn Roop, one of many soul searching, life defining, surrendering with awareness into me just being me sessions, and then cuddling the next morning brought out the most amazing, surprising, beauty-full conversation with Ran Baron about why it has been easier to post sexy pictures/posts of myself, why the “sex educator” hat has been the one I have been donning the most as of late, and both Shawn and Ran’s gentle nudge that in not sharing my HUGELY devoted, spiritual side with the world, that most people were missing out on that piece that those closest to me cherish. Ran challenged me to come start teaching spiritual classes at his magnificent new home, ones in my own particular flavor, as one of my hold backs (stories) has been “what do I have to offer around spirit that hasn’t been said a million times better by those more qualified than me?” or in further discussion, he brought out of me that my deepest depths and love of spirit/God/Goddess/This planet/animals/trees all of it still feels SO super sacred to me that in addition of being afraid if I shared it, something so important to me, I may say it “wrong” I also felt that to keep it “sacred” I just reveled in it with a tiny few who I felt could truly get it, get that side of me.

How silly that ALL seems now, at least the part of not singing/chanting/dancing/sharing it with the world….. It is what makes me SO happy, fulfilled, able to dance in the “sexual” world. It is how I have found me, love, acceptance, the deep joy that does no depend on anyone or anything else and yet connects us all.

So then I head off to Vegas to support the person who brought me into this world of permission, awareness, the first person in my life who said, “I REALLY want to hear what you have to say” and kept saying it for years until I believed him and began to reclaim my voice, body, life. This past weekend was all about him, Reid Mihalko, stepping more fully onto his life purpose, sharing with the world through the deepest level of role modeling imaginable, a life filled with permission, by walking in it with integrity, impeccability, where your No’s define you more than your Yes’s, and that sometimes the “too good to be true’s” ARE actually true. Needless to say it was INCREDIBLE!! It was Reid’s first time on his own BIG stage. The center of Vegas, on Valentine’s weekend, sharing his greatest tools on how to have the greatest relationships ever.

He was AMAZING, and I was so honored and proud to be there, helping behind the scenes, with other truly unique fabulous individuals, all brought together because of our deep love and appreciation for this man.

But I gained SOOOO much more!!!

My deepest highlight… ARE YOU READY?
There was a moment as Reid was walking across the stage, I happened to be behind the camera, capturing his magic, as he began talking about integrity, vulnerability, impeccability, things I have heard him talk about for years, have valued immensely for a LONG time, but in that moment, for whatever reason I was finally able to take all the love, appreciation, the beautiful way I see and devote on those dearest to me, Reid, Ran, Shawn, Nathan Darling, Lawrence Lanoff, David Cates, Seva Khalsa, Katie Weatherup, Axel Anderson, and turn that spotlight back on myself, I began crying, uncontrollably with joy, my entire being pierced with the most divine happiness, completeness, I have ever felt. I allowed someone else to take the camera for a minute and asked Lawrence to hold my heart, he gladly did, and I just breathed and felt into ALL of it. Meanwhile while I am feeling all of this, Reid gave me one of the sweetest acknowledgements of my life, he said, “If you want to see how these two things play out in the world, (integrity and impeccability) look no further than Monique Darling”
Hearing his external validation and feeling more own internal confirmation shifted the remaining doubts and opened a HUGE space inside of me for permission to keep exploring what a life well lived looks like for me. As Lawrence held me, he just kept saying, “You know what the opposite of happy is Monique? It’s even more happy!!” And I got it!!!

The weekend was filled with such AMAZING moments!!! of bringing all of this together for me.

Instead of sitting and meditating alone, singing and praising God/Goddess, the great love I feel inside, I invited others and they said “Yes!”
Instead of going out for dinner with the group that included two of my favorite people, ones I love, admire, appreciate almost more than air itself, Reid and Lawrence, I stayed in and journaled, meditated, danced, talked to my boys and Nate on the phone, THAT would not have been true even a few months ago, I would have stayed out as late as possible, because I did not want to miss out on a moment with them, bonding with the group, having an experience, but last weekend my experiences were almost ALL internal, and I realized what a vast landscape our inner IS!!!

I had the most powerful connections with everyone on the support staff, they were absolutely incredible and stunning in all of the ways they showed up, loved and held space, were completely themselves. I adore you SO much Lawrence Lanoff, Leah Delano, Arden Leigh, Caroline Carrington, Kevin James Middlebrooks, Leela Sullivan and the woman who held the entire weekend together, Cathy Vartuli It was so beautiful for me to not be triggered by one thing…. just able to hold pristine space for each person, including for the amazing attendees, each so willing to be broken open to new ways of relating, dancing, writing, crying, sharing, SO beautiful! especially you Cathleene Cienfuegos and Rebecca Perlowski!!

I was in such overflowing love watching Reid and Lawrence together, the joy Lawrence had of capturing such beautiful moments on camera, on film of Reid doing his thing, the bond, the extreme witnessing of one another, and just my own joy at getting to spend time with these two great luvs of my life at the same time. SO blessed!

It was a pleasure to find my words all weekend, the “right” thing just happened to be at the tip of my tongue the entire time, and half way through I realized it was because i had somehow stopped the endless editting that I have done since childhood, I had begun just offering me.

I also had the amazing priveledge to get to flirt and fall head over heels in a mad crush with a spectacular woman, and woah and behold she liked me too!!! (Arden, still amazed at the level of connection we discovered ♥)

I discovered I am still trying to date my parents/well parent and that my parent was God, and how that may not be serving me any longer so I sent out a message to all those in my life that i had held in that position, the simple message was this, “I now release you of having to play God in my life, but still hold in reserve the right to ask you “play” God in my life sometimes” That felt so freeing!!

I asked for EVERYthing I wanted all weekend and in the process got more than I could have ever hoped for, there was no longer attachment over any particular outcome, and yet i did not hold back one iota of enthusiasm for any particular desire for a yes, I found all new ways of delighting in playing with others from my entire center/home asking them to stay and play from theirs, so we both got to interact without compromise, with such synergy it was WOWOWWOW!!

AND there was SO much more!!! But I will end there for now, one drawback from this expanded place is ALL I want to do is lay here and write and feel and LOVE, and there is a whole world of things I need to do for work, and to BE in this world, so I will head back to sleep, to get caught up some tomorrow.

But I needed to say how grateful I am, and to remind everyone, the world of your dreams, even so far beyond your dreams is RIGHT HERE, begging to be experienced, all you have to do is look inward instead of out and say “yes!’

PS I would be remiss if I did not add that another highlight was that my youngest son Riley Darling, who is 12 now, has just learned how to record his voice online and has been sending me little singing messages, “You are the most awesome mom in the world” and “I love you mommy” and more, THAT has been so touching for me, as I miss him and my other boys SO much, and have had such worry, and wondering if I was making the right decision in letting them go back to Utah to live the life of THEIR dreams, while I do the long distant parenting thing. It is working!! We are all happier than we have ever been! Nate, my super partner, has begun finding his own space in this Universe wanting to create his own church, minister to men in prison, and has begun writing in his own style. He is inspiring to me!! Our relationship is closer and more amazing than it was the entire 20 years we lived under the same roof, I am just blown away by the beauty that perhaps we really can ALL have it ALL!

 — withCathy VartuliCaroline CarringtonLeela SullivanReid MihalkoArden LeighKevin James Middlebrooks and Lawrence Lanoff.

Feb 14, LAS VEGAS, NV : Relationship 10x

dressIt’s here!! Vegas with Reid on Valentine’s!! Rocking the dress, as I am surrounded by such amazing people, the support team is testament to those people Reid draws in. There is SO much good information, as I am listening to him sharing these great tools, tips, tricks, vulnerable stories, much of it, I have heard over and over, and yet I could sit and listen a million more times. There is always another level, and I as I sit up in my room eating lunch, journaling, meditating, and writing this post, I find myself in the greatest gratitude.
This man and the relationship skills he rolemodels have changed my quality of life completely. I have learned to use my words, to not only ask for the things I “need” but to dare to ask for those things I hope for, I dream of, my heart explodes with possibility, because Reid Mihalko took the time to “hear” me, in a world that had only ever told me to be quiet, who constantly silenced me, THIS man said, “tell me, I really want to hear, I care” and my life, the HUGE amount of lives from all over the world that I now connect with, and especially my beautiful sons now have the chance to be heard, know they have permission to just BE ourselves.
Reid, as I hear you share these tools, ever more clearly, with added bonus’s, I am so excited for the new paradigm of relating you open everywhere you go, everywhere that it is shared from one partner, one facilitator, one parent to those closest to them.
You are a miracle, such an amazing being.
Thank you!!

JAN 31 ~ SAN LUIS OBISPO : Pirate’s Cove

I LOVE feeling THIS free! enjoying the rocks and the cool water as the waves come in and glide back out. Loving the feel of the sun on all my favorite parts, love loving ALL my parts……. There is such a big playground filled with delight as we can embrace every curve, every wrinkle, every beautiful piece of our bodies that does SO much for us….

 

It is the greatest reframe of my life, I believe, that me, my body, could never be “not enough” or “too much” because I CAN only be me. and I love the me that I am soooo much!! Feeling blessed and filled with gratitude.

I LOVE ME!!!    I love life, I love making love to the sun, water, rocks, clouds, the universe, such a great day!!! Thank you thank you thank you.

Jan 25 ~ Woodside : The Art & Practice of Energetic Intimacy

holdingtheboneLawrence Lanoff holding the “bone” (belief) inviting ALL to just lie it down for a minute, you can always pick it back up…..  (Did I mention, I love this man?)  feel so blessed to get to add my wisdom and experiential and presence to our co teachings, such a goooood team!!

 

 

WoodsideThis is the magical space we get to teach(play) from….. thank you Amber Seitz and Matt for the space you offer for all of us to expand, connect, BE…..

 

 

 

 

playshopAnother super de duper moment, teaching with Lawrence Lanoff, we call our “work” a playshop for a reason, perhaps a million and one reasons, LOVE how fearlessly we play!! Love how deep the attendees jump into play with us, it is such a beautiful world!

 

 

 

 

 

roseSuch an amazing moment, crown to crown, rose petals of joy, love, bliss showering down… SO blesssed!! I have the best “job” in the whole wide world!! (Thank you Ran Baron for giving me the rose petal and tear ceremony, I use it in so many ways)

 

tearsLawrence holding my tears….. such a beautiful ceremony, having our tears (emotions) held for all the times in our life people were unable to. Tears are orgasms from our eyes, SO beautiful, tender, and such a gift to share with another, feeling so seen, held, cherished…. it’s why I offer it at as many events as I can I want everyone to be able to feel THIS

CalgarypeepsOur beautiful Calgary peeps, who travelled down to play. Loving you all soo much!!! We are only missingRovena Skye and the rest of the beautiful community, sending you all hugs.

 

 

 

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Jan 24 ~ Woodside, CA : Let’s Talk About Sex

Lets talkA moment from last night’s “let’s Talk About Sex Panel” with myself, Lawrence Lanoff and Scott Catamas. Thank you for sharing of yourselves, for sharing the “panel” with me, for being in my world.

Scott Catamas “I love collaboration, and it was a delight to share time with Monique Darling and Lawrence Lanoff last night. I’ve loved Monique for many years and taught with her quite a bit, but last night was my first experience of Lawrence. He’s brilliant!

letstalkgroupWHAT an amazingly full spectrum of beauty full people who came to Amber Seitz’s Skywood temple….. for our Let’s Talk About Sex Panel, Potluck, and Puja…. Thank you for your questions, your curiosity, your sweetness, your open hearts, minds, and souls. Thank you Scott Catamas and Lawrence Lanoff for saying yes!!

Paloma Meg Mckenna  – “Thank you Beautiful Monique Darling, Scott Catamas and Lawrence Lanoff. The topic of sex is such a juicy and important topic. I really found value in the words shared and the puja was great too!”