I know I promised you all a huge post on my realizations of the past week, so here is the attempt, just know that I feel SO expanded and joyous right now it is really extra hard to find words.
Right before I left for Vegas I had a session with Shawn Roop, one of many soul searching, life defining, surrendering with awareness into me just being me sessions, and then cuddling the next morning brought out the most amazing, surprising, beauty-full conversation with Ran Baron about why it has been easier to post sexy pictures/posts of myself, why the “sex educator” hat has been the one I have been donning the most as of late, and both Shawn and Ran’s gentle nudge that in not sharing my HUGELY devoted, spiritual side with the world, that most people were missing out on that piece that those closest to me cherish. Ran challenged me to come start teaching spiritual classes at his magnificent new home, ones in my own particular flavor, as one of my hold backs (stories) has been “what do I have to offer around spirit that hasn’t been said a million times better by those more qualified than me?” or in further discussion, he brought out of me that my deepest depths and love of spirit/God/Goddess/This planet/animals/trees all of it still feels SO super sacred to me that in addition of being afraid if I shared it, something so important to me, I may say it “wrong” I also felt that to keep it “sacred” I just reveled in it with a tiny few who I felt could truly get it, get that side of me.
How silly that ALL seems now, at least the part of not singing/chanting/dancing/sharing it with the world….. It is what makes me SO happy, fulfilled, able to dance in the “sexual” world. It is how I have found me, love, acceptance, the deep joy that does no depend on anyone or anything else and yet connects us all.
So then I head off to Vegas to support the person who brought me into this world of permission, awareness, the first person in my life who said, “I REALLY want to hear what you have to say” and kept saying it for years until I believed him and began to reclaim my voice, body, life. This past weekend was all about him, Reid Mihalko, stepping more fully onto his life purpose, sharing with the world through the deepest level of role modeling imaginable, a life filled with permission, by walking in it with integrity, impeccability, where your No’s define you more than your Yes’s, and that sometimes the “too good to be true’s” ARE actually true. Needless to say it was INCREDIBLE!! It was Reid’s first time on his own BIG stage. The center of Vegas, on Valentine’s weekend, sharing his greatest tools on how to have the greatest relationships ever.
He was AMAZING, and I was so honored and proud to be there, helping behind the scenes, with other truly unique fabulous individuals, all brought together because of our deep love and appreciation for this man.
But I gained SOOOO much more!!!
My deepest highlight… ARE YOU READY?
There was a moment as Reid was walking across the stage, I happened to be behind the camera, capturing his magic, as he began talking about integrity, vulnerability, impeccability, things I have heard him talk about for years, have valued immensely for a LONG time, but in that moment, for whatever reason I was finally able to take all the love, appreciation, the beautiful way I see and devote on those dearest to me, Reid, Ran, Shawn, Nathan Darling, Lawrence Lanoff, David Cates, Seva Khalsa, Katie Weatherup, Axel Anderson, and turn that spotlight back on myself, I began crying, uncontrollably with joy, my entire being pierced with the most divine happiness, completeness, I have ever felt. I allowed someone else to take the camera for a minute and asked Lawrence to hold my heart, he gladly did, and I just breathed and felt into ALL of it. Meanwhile while I am feeling all of this, Reid gave me one of the sweetest acknowledgements of my life, he said, “If you want to see how these two things play out in the world, (integrity and impeccability) look no further than Monique Darling”
Hearing his external validation and feeling more own internal confirmation shifted the remaining doubts and opened a HUGE space inside of me for permission to keep exploring what a life well lived looks like for me. As Lawrence held me, he just kept saying, “You know what the opposite of happy is Monique? It’s even more happy!!” And I got it!!!
The weekend was filled with such AMAZING moments!!! of bringing all of this together for me.
Instead of sitting and meditating alone, singing and praising God/Goddess, the great love I feel inside, I invited others and they said “Yes!”
Instead of going out for dinner with the group that included two of my favorite people, ones I love, admire, appreciate almost more than air itself, Reid and Lawrence, I stayed in and journaled, meditated, danced, talked to my boys and Nate on the phone, THAT would not have been true even a few months ago, I would have stayed out as late as possible, because I did not want to miss out on a moment with them, bonding with the group, having an experience, but last weekend my experiences were almost ALL internal, and I realized what a vast landscape our inner IS!!!
I had the most powerful connections with everyone on the support staff, they were absolutely incredible and stunning in all of the ways they showed up, loved and held space, were completely themselves. I adore you SO much Lawrence Lanoff, Leah Delano, Arden Leigh, Caroline Carrington, Kevin James Middlebrooks, Leela Sullivan and the woman who held the entire weekend together, Cathy Vartuli It was so beautiful for me to not be triggered by one thing…. just able to hold pristine space for each person, including for the amazing attendees, each so willing to be broken open to new ways of relating, dancing, writing, crying, sharing, SO beautiful! especially you Cathleene Cienfuegos and Rebecca Perlowski!!
I was in such overflowing love watching Reid and Lawrence together, the joy Lawrence had of capturing such beautiful moments on camera, on film of Reid doing his thing, the bond, the extreme witnessing of one another, and just my own joy at getting to spend time with these two great luvs of my life at the same time. SO blessed!
It was a pleasure to find my words all weekend, the “right” thing just happened to be at the tip of my tongue the entire time, and half way through I realized it was because i had somehow stopped the endless editting that I have done since childhood, I had begun just offering me.
I also had the amazing priveledge to get to flirt and fall head over heels in a mad crush with a spectacular woman, and woah and behold she liked me too!!! (Arden, still amazed at the level of connection we discovered ♥)
I discovered I am still trying to date my parents/well parent and that my parent was God, and how that may not be serving me any longer so I sent out a message to all those in my life that i had held in that position, the simple message was this, “I now release you of having to play God in my life, but still hold in reserve the right to ask you “play” God in my life sometimes” That felt so freeing!!
I asked for EVERYthing I wanted all weekend and in the process got more than I could have ever hoped for, there was no longer attachment over any particular outcome, and yet i did not hold back one iota of enthusiasm for any particular desire for a yes, I found all new ways of delighting in playing with others from my entire center/home asking them to stay and play from theirs, so we both got to interact without compromise, with such synergy it was WOWOWWOW!!
AND there was SO much more!!! But I will end there for now, one drawback from this expanded place is ALL I want to do is lay here and write and feel and LOVE, and there is a whole world of things I need to do for work, and to BE in this world, so I will head back to sleep, to get caught up some tomorrow.
But I needed to say how grateful I am, and to remind everyone, the world of your dreams, even so far beyond your dreams is RIGHT HERE, begging to be experienced, all you have to do is look inward instead of out and say “yes!’
PS I would be remiss if I did not add that another highlight was that my youngest son Riley Darling, who is 12 now, has just learned how to record his voice online and has been sending me little singing messages, “You are the most awesome mom in the world” and “I love you mommy” and more, THAT has been so touching for me, as I miss him and my other boys SO much, and have had such worry, and wondering if I was making the right decision in letting them go back to Utah to live the life of THEIR dreams, while I do the long distant parenting thing. It is working!! We are all happier than we have ever been! Nate, my super partner, has begun finding his own space in this Universe wanting to create his own church, minister to men in prison, and has begun writing in his own style. He is inspiring to me!! Our relationship is closer and more amazing than it was the entire 20 years we lived under the same roof, I am just blown away by the beauty that perhaps we really can ALL have it ALL!